Here we go again.... :-(

Well, I have decided even though I'm still having bad back problems and am still very sad about losing my sister last year, I just HAVE to do something about the weight that I have put back on. It is so difficult to get started again. I tried in September, but it became pretty obvious to me that emotionally, I was NOT ready. I'm hoping that I can succeed this time around. Here is a new picture of me, and it's not looking good. :-( Of course wearing my sons ugly hat didn't do me any favors! LOL... Why didn't I think to bring a cute hat? Oh well.

It's just so frustrating because I kept the weight off for over 6 months, and then duh duh duhhhhh, my back really went to an ugly place. I had the stupidity to think I could attempt to try to train for a...... wait for it..... no, not a marathon, just a little 5K run. Extreme pain day and night was the result of my attempts to start running. I literally went 7 months on very little sleep. So during that time I think I added about 20 pounds. Then the doctor tried to have me take a med to help, and it helped my back, but I was gaining 1-2 pounds a week on that crazy stuff. I even starting tracking with Weight Watchers and controlling the cravings was horrible, and with all that effort, I still gained weight. So once that med had made me gain about 12 pounds, and more importantly turned me into a crazy raging psycho. I decided I just couldn't take it. So back to doctors to figure out how to control my back problems. I did find a temporary solution (an epidural block). And then I thought, ok, now I can get this weight issue back under control.

However, I then found out, that I don't handle emotional turmoil well at all. My sister Andrea, who I talked to on the phone everyday, and sometimes, several times a day, had stage IV anal cancer, and treatments were not going well. I tried so hard every time I talked to her, to stay positive and upbeat. I didn't realize how much of an effort that was, till I found a pattern in my life. Most of the time, when I would hang up after very difficult times with Andrea, I would find myself with wrappers, plates, bowls and cups surrounding me. WHAT THE!!!!! I mean, I honestly have no idea what I ate most of the time, and I don't even remember grabbing food. So clearly, my weight kept going up up and up. Then in July Andrea passed away. And depression got a hold of me for a time. Again, I seemed to turn to food for comfort..... not good. And it didn't help, that one week after her funeral we were told that my dad's cancer is back, and it is considered terminal. Thankfully, he handles chemo fairly well, and will probably be with us for a while longer.

I'll be seeing the doctor at the end of the month to see what other tricks they might have up their sleeves to help with my back problems. But waiting and waiting for it to get better before I start with weight loss isn't a good idea. Who knows if they will ever find anything to help with my back. And carrying this much extra weight right now, sucks! It is exhausting, and it's just difficult to move like I used to. So, I have to be willing to accept the fact that I will not take the weight off as fast as I did 4 years ago because I can't exercise as hard as before. But I think that's okay.

This rant was more for me than anything.... I just needed to get it off of my chest. :-)